Thursday, February 17, 2011

What's going on?

Ok, I know I haven’t written anything in very many weeks. There is a reason behind this. I had previously decided not to write about a specific topic. It turns out that so much of my energy has been focused on this that nothing else has seemed blog-worthy. So I’m just going to change my mind and write about it (with hubs permission of course)

Behind the closed doors of our house, hubs and I have been working diligently towards a common goal – to have a baby. We purposefully haven’t announced this to the world for several reasons 1) It ruins the fun/surprise when you do announce you’re pregnant 2) It’s private 3) We don’t want to set any expectations. In other words people watching what you drink or answering every phone call from you with baited breath. 4) I was scared to admit that it was something I wanted, afraid to be labeled “baby crazy” and desperate.

Well guess what? 1) Expectations are set the minute you say ‘I do’. 2) People know no boundaries and have no problem asking about your family planning situation. I’m not talking about family. I’m talking about the acquaintance that knows you through your husband and interrogates you about why you aren’t pregnant yet. This topic alone has some blog-worthy content. Besides, when have I ever been private? 3) It will always be a surprise. 4) I have to stop caring what others think. It is something I want.

I have been very private about this, and I’m not sure why. I am usually the first to open up and share my story. But, you know what? I’m done trying to make this process/journey into what I think it should be and take it for what it is.

This blog post is sadly not about our success. It is, instead, about my monthly failure struggle. Even though there are tears in my eyes as I type and cross out that word, I’m leaving it in. I KNOW I haven’t failed at anything, but it sure as hell FEELS that way (so far).

There are days that it feels like one of the hardest emotionally personal struggles I’ve encountered. Yesterday was one of those days. Through it all, my Husband has been my saving grace. Just yesterday as I was silently crying in my cube at work, he called to remind me how much he loves me. He constantly makes my heart smile in spite of how down I may be. While the husband makes me smile, Biscuit lets me cry. She is my champion. I can’t count the number of times I’ve showed up in tears on her doorstep.

One of the things I have trouble reconciling is how selfish it feels-so focused on our goal, our family.

There are also days when I let go of the pity and focus on the positive. I have faith that things happen for a reason. Ultimately it will work out. Luckily these days outnumber the former.

Anyways I am putting this out there. Why? Because I need to embrace the situation and find new ways of dealing/laughing/being inspired by it. Maybe now that I’ve opened the door, I won’t be as daunted to share, be it funny, interesting, depressing or exciting. There have defiantly been many blog-worthy situations along the way. There is an unconfirmed account that Husband actually peed on a pregnancy test to “see what would happen”.

So that's what's going on with me.

7 comments:

Mandy Terrett said...

I'm glad you're writing!

monkers27 said...

My heart goes out to you and Jonathan. I love you both!

jenna morgan said...

you and jonathan are so special to me and our family. as i read this post, i was so moved by your courage to share so openly and freely. i think about you guys every day and when i do my heart smiles... xoxo
~s.i.l.

Ria said...

Hello Marci,

I blog-hopped and landed in your nice blog. I wish you and your hubby success on your "goal."

God Bless.

Ria C

It's My Party
Home is Where the Heart Is
Red Lips and Pinky Toes
Handmade with LOVE

John said...

Hi Marci, I "blog-hopped" here too...
Just want to say that I really admire you for writing about something with such personal significance, that takes guts. Good luck to you and your husband, it sounds like you'll make great parents.

Moriya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Moriya said...

Love you. xoxo