Book Signing

So David Sedaris was in Columbus at a book signing on Friday. Biscuit is such a HUGE fan that she contemplated calling off work to attend. After hearing a couple of her desperate voicemails, Momma T and I hatched a plan to surprise her.

The plan was to wait in line, get her (and my) books signed, then, eat where Biscuit was working. Momma T called and made the reservations under “Sylivia Potterbutts”. We were a little concerned we didn’t have a real reservation because Momma T is not known for her deceptive ways.

The day of the signing, I was concerned about the line, so I jetted out of work at 5:00. I got down there, went to the counter and asked how this all would work. Turns out there were two lines; a pre-sale line and an overflow line. I asked if I could buy a book and be part of the pre-sale line. Nope, but I could just go ahead and get in the “pre-sale” line since he started signing already. The line was only about 10 people deep. SCORE.

I come to find out from a co-worker, if I had stayed in the overflow line where I belonged, I would have had to wait until midnight.

So here I am, about 5 people deep and I discovered something about myself. I am nervous about meeting someone famous, sweaty pits, shaky hands nervous. I start trying to talk myself out of the heart-racing, nervous fit, but I only succeeded in amplifying it. I didn’t have long to wait before I was in the room with the author.

Let me paint the scene—It is a quiet room where only two or three people from the line are aloud in at a time. Mr. Sedaris is talking to the couple in front of me. Everything is calm and slow, which is in stark contrast to the prancing, leaning, shifting anticipation I exude.

He was talking to the people in front of me about what school they went to. He asks if OSU is in Athens. “NO that’s OU” I shout out, the excitement spewing loudly in the quiet room. THAT’S MY SCHOOL! He’s talking to people about stuff I KNOW ABOUT. Neither the couple in front of me, nor Mr. Sedaris even glanced my way. It is at this moment, I realize the crazy lady I have become. People are actually pretending I don’t exist, the crazy might be contagious.

When it’s my turn, I have made a firm decision to keep the crazy under control.
He takes the first book and asks who is Biscuit.
My bumbling response: “She’s my sister. She really wanted to be here but has to work. She is a huge fan.”

Mr. Sedaris: “Is she a stripper”

Surprised and fascinated by the randomness of the question I ramble a reply “No, she’s a server, but she’d tell you she’s a stripper, she’s a character. Actually she works at this restaurant that you should go to after this if you are hungry. She would buy you a drink if not your entire dinner”

WHAT did I just say???

Mr. Sedaris, in his slow and calm manner, grabs the other book and ask’s “Do you have a cat?”

Again, surprised by his randomness I ramble some more “I do, his name is Franklin. He’s a character”

Mr. Sedaris: “Good, I like it when cats have people names”

I’m so pleased by this compliment that I almost forget how dumb I sound.

There is more to the conversation but it just is more of the same, him asking questions and me rambling, hoping a witty comment will find itself into the bumbling nonsense I’m spewing– but nothing.

At the end I even asked him again to come to Biscuit’s restaurant “She’d love to serve you” I blurt out as I tried to walk out the wrong door.

WOW

As soon as I leave I call Padre, Momma T and Nick Nick to tell them I got the books signed and we should meet at my house before dinner. Besides I need to recount the story and let them all know what an idiot I am.