Hot Dogs

So in light of last week’s uber serious post, I thought I’d let you know how irreverent our lives typically are.

The scene: Husband and I were going to go to grab dinner last weekend, but instead we drove past the movie theater and decided to abandon our previous plan and instead see a movie (LOOK MOM, I’M BEING SPONTANEOUS). On our way to the movie we concur that dinner will have to be composed of popcorn, candy and soda. No complaints here. So there we are in the concession stand line when I decided to get a hot dog too. We were already spending more on food than on the movie, what was one more item. That is when Husband added commentary regarding my choice.

Husband: you really love your hot dogs (I’m sure this was husband making a bad pun but I choose to ignore it.)

Me: I do! Why do you think hot dogs get such a bad rap? I mean, people talk about how they are made up of lips and assholes. I get that they aren’t made from the prime cuts of beef or pork, but who cares? Isn’t it important to not waste? Because I think hot dogs are a good use of the ‘other stuff’. Besides, they TASTE GOOD. Seriously, why do people hate on hot dogs so much?

Husband: that sounds like a blog post.

What's going on?

Ok, I know I haven’t written anything in very many weeks. There is a reason behind this. I had previously decided not to write about a specific topic. It turns out that so much of my energy has been focused on this that nothing else has seemed blog-worthy. So I’m just going to change my mind and write about it (with hubs permission of course)

Behind the closed doors of our house, hubs and I have been working diligently towards a common goal – to have a baby. We purposefully haven’t announced this to the world for several reasons 1) It ruins the fun/surprise when you do announce you’re pregnant 2) It’s private 3) We don’t want to set any expectations. In other words people watching what you drink or answering every phone call from you with baited breath. 4) I was scared to admit that it was something I wanted, afraid to be labeled “baby crazy” and desperate.

Well guess what? 1) Expectations are set the minute you say ‘I do’. 2) People know no boundaries and have no problem asking about your family planning situation. I’m not talking about family. I’m talking about the acquaintance that knows you through your husband and interrogates you about why you aren’t pregnant yet. This topic alone has some blog-worthy content. Besides, when have I ever been private? 3) It will always be a surprise. 4) I have to stop caring what others think. It is something I want.

I have been very private about this, and I’m not sure why. I am usually the first to open up and share my story. But, you know what? I’m done trying to make this process/journey into what I think it should be and take it for what it is.

This blog post is sadly not about our success. It is, instead, about my monthly failure struggle. Even though there are tears in my eyes as I type and cross out that word, I’m leaving it in. I KNOW I haven’t failed at anything, but it sure as hell FEELS that way (so far).

There are days that it feels like one of the hardest emotionally personal struggles I’ve encountered. Yesterday was one of those days. Through it all, my Husband has been my saving grace. Just yesterday as I was silently crying in my cube at work, he called to remind me how much he loves me. He constantly makes my heart smile in spite of how down I may be. While the husband makes me smile, Biscuit lets me cry. She is my champion. I can’t count the number of times I’ve showed up in tears on her doorstep.

One of the things I have trouble reconciling is how selfish it feels-so focused on our goal, our family.

There are also days when I let go of the pity and focus on the positive. I have faith that things happen for a reason. Ultimately it will work out. Luckily these days outnumber the former.

Anyways I am putting this out there. Why? Because I need to embrace the situation and find new ways of dealing/laughing/being inspired by it. Maybe now that I’ve opened the door, I won’t be as daunted to share, be it funny, interesting, depressing or exciting. There have defiantly been many blog-worthy situations along the way. There is an unconfirmed account that Husband actually peed on a pregnancy test to “see what would happen”.

So that's what's going on with me.