January 2017

So I had a very long blog post somewhere that I must have deleted. It documented the craziness of January last year. My guess is that I deleted it because I didn’t want all of my negative feelings posted without time to resolve and come to terms with all of it. So now what I write will be through the lens of hindsight, and not as raw as what I probably deleted.

Close your eyes and pretend its January 2017, a year ago….

I’m still working at the big blue bank, but I am actively interviewing at a regional green bank at the same time Jonathan is actively looking for his next employer. It was during the month of January that the green bank informed me of their job offer. I’m a ball of nerves as I begin the negotiation process that determines the livelihood of my family. I am all for negotiating strongly and knowing that I’m the only one that will fight for me, but I’m also a chicken. Jonathan pushes me to ask for an obscene salary. I’m glad he does because it pushes me to ask for more than my modesty would normally allow. After many stressful weeks of negotiations we settle on a number. I unofficially accept and begin to plan my resignation from the blue bank.

It was around this time that I mentioned to Jonathan, half joking that “I don’t remember the last time I had my period, what if I’m pregnant?” Knowing how difficult it was for us to get pregnant previously, we both shrug it off with a laugh as a sign of our stressful lives. As I get closer to leaving one job for another, the thought again crosses my mind. I should just confirm that I’m not pregnant.

Here is the text exchange

He did not get that last message to not waste the money...

So for about a week, a pregnancy test sat in our bathroom taunting me. I finally decide to take it so I could throw it away. After the obligatory three minutes, I look down and faintly see that second line creating a plus sign. WTF? Are my eyes playing tricks on me? So many times I’ve looked at these tests and willed that line to be there, maybe that’s what’s happening. I’m seeing pink lines where there are none to be seen. But I know! I know that false positives don’t happen. Even the faintest of lines indicates something.

NOW WHAT? WE don’t have the money for another child, we don’t have the room, I don’t have the energy. I just accepted a new job. What will they do? How will they respond? I won’t get a maternity benefit. I am leaving a company that has one of the best Maternity benefits in the US. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?? I was finally getting some independence back with the girls out of diapers, pull ups. Bottles, baby food, teething and Breastfeeding were almost distant memories. Yes, babies are awesome, but it’s not like I get the luxury of focusing my energy on the baby, I have to work, pay the mortgage and put food in the fridge.

I made it all the way to work before I sat in a room and cried. Oh the irony. The years of willing it to happen and then it did, just not in my twenties or early thirties!

So I did what any girl would do, I called my mom.

 She could tell I was crying so I had to quickly reassure her that it wasn’t anything bad (no one was hurt or dying). As my fears and poured out over the phone faster than my tears dropped I realized I was saying all of this to a woman who had raised three awesome children and was pretty successful herself, putting herself through school with those three kids and a full time job. I sounded foolish because all of the things I was scared of, she did and more. 

My biggest concern at the moment was what to do about this job opportunity…Do I pass on it because I ‘might’ need maternity leave benefits. I mean all I had done at this point was pee on a stick. What if I miscarried, what if it was false, what if, what if?? Well my wise mother gave me some great advice – “Marci, you pick the job that is best for your career and your family. Maternity leave is a one-time benefit and shouldn’t be the determining factor.” 

Boy I’m glad we had that conversation on the Friday we did, because the next day things changed. Her attention and focus rightfully shifted as Dad was admitted to the hospital....

2017 - in Retrospect

Hey, guess what? I'm still here.


Almost a year to the day of my last blog post I've decided (been bullied by Anna) to return to posting. 2017 was a very big year and I did not stop writing, I just couldn't find the time to edit it all and post. From career changes, to family changes, the big C and a little J only to wrap up the year with the loss of our dear Sammy. It was a lot to sort through and as always writing helps me with that.


So, for the next month or so - depending on how diligent I can be, I'll be posting 2017 in retrospect. I'll try and keep it chronological so they still make sense, but we'll see how this goes.

Wedding Anniversary - 8 years married, 15 together.

Not that kind of "Dear John" letter...

This week marks our 8th wedding anniversary, almost 15 years together. When I think back, we seem so young and naive. We really have grown up together. When we decided to get married, I felt we were crossing an invisible threshold into adulthood. How many thresholds have we now crossed? Each time making us more 'adult'. Luckily you (and hopefully I) haven't lost your juvenile sense of mischief. Although it does get harder to be ridiculous when you're trying to teach the kids to be responsible and smart.

I'll tell you what, I'm tired of being an adult sometimes. Can we go back to the irresponsible kids at OU. Do you remember when we had fans? When the biggest problem was paying for beer and what to do on a rainy afternoon?

Life is so complicated as an adult, always throwing tough shit our way. Even when it gets REALLY, REALLY BAD, I'm still proud of my younger self for picking so wisely. And proud of the foresight in the stubborn, younger you for not letting me go, even though I tried halfheartedly.

What I'm slowly learning is that the tough times don't preclude the beauty, especially that of our growing family. I understand better each day the analogy of a life being a tapestry woven together-without the threads of struggle, doubt, fear, anxiety and vulnerability so intertwined with joy, laughter, excitement and love we wouldn't have created this life, this deep, beautiful and sometimes painful life. 

The balance is hard. Prioritizing each other is something we are refocused on. Thank you for that. You bring so much laughter, levity, sensitivity and strength to me. Your spirit is the strongest thread of this family. When it weakens, we all do. I took that for granted. It really is what keeps us all burning bright and focused on the joyful moments in life.

Thank you for being patient with me (most of the time). I know I'm a very sensitive, passionate and emotional person trying to excel in a very logical, pragmatic world. It is big role to be the protector of a heart this big, and easily bruised.

I love you!

Caroline is 5!

Dear Caroline

Happy 5th Birthday my Sweet. You are so sensitive and so smart. The combination makes you seem so much older and grown up. I forget that sometimes, until you fall apart from all the grown up things you are carrying. And I admonish myself for not only letting you carry it, but also for not teaching the tools of how to put it all down. You're always teaching me how to be a better Mom.

It’s funny to me that five is such an important age for you. Leading up to your birthday you talked about how you think you’ll feel different when you wake up and are five, or how you’ll get to wear the big girl seat belt when you are five (not so much my petite girl). On your birthday, you kept asking “is it really real? Am I really five now?” And when everyone came over for our Christmas on New Years Day, you told each and every person that you are five now, for real.

You are so dramatic that Aunt Biscuit is insisting that I enroll you in dance or theater or something. You love to show off your moves. It seems that music speaks to your soul. This summer while playing in the sprinkler outside, you stopped in your tracks to focus on the small bluetooth speaker that played a pop ballad (probably Taylor Swift). You were having such a moment that I couldn’t break your attention to even get you to look at me. There was an invisible bubble that no one could burst, just you and the music as the world faded away. There is a deep well of passion in you that once focused will take you great places.

 Oh you are so sensitive, and full of empathy. You are often the first to give me a hug before I’ve even realized I needed one. When your sister gets hurt, I know it first by your scream, "Oh no Maggie!". But be careful little one, that empathy is a gift that you are generous with. Make sure to save some for yourself.

Another big milestone this year was when we confirmed our suspicion that you couldn’t see very well. With two parents that have never know the inside of an optometrist, it was eye-opening (pun intended). When I received your prescriptions, I immediately went to google to gauge the severity. Nearsighted, farsighted and astigmatisms were all concepts I never needed to comprehend until now. It turns out that those beautiful eyes of yours need some major lenses to even get you close to 20/30 vision. But on the bright side – a whole new world of fashion accessories has now be opened up for you (and consequently your sister too, as she demanded sunglasses to match).

Speaking of fashion, I love watching you pick out what you are going to wear every day. I stopped weighing in years ago, unless it was to keep you clothed and warm. At first it was all about the characters, Hello Kitty, Minnie Mouse, Elsa... But now it's about patterns, colors and combinations. Its all very bold and sometimes an overindulgence in patterns, but I love it. Its another outlet of your creativity.

Caroline, I love watching the blossom of new interests and the colors of your personality deepening and changing. I can't wait for more as we grow together.

I love you so much!

The Moo turns 3

                Happy Birthday my Maggie Moo…

I can’t believe you are turning three. You are so tall that sometimes it’s hard to think of you as only being three. Often thought to be Caroline’s twin, it won’t be long before you are taller than here and wearing the same size clothing.

Right now you are at an AWESOME age. You are talking a ton, but it is still with the newly formed words that haven’t been refined into discernible sentences. I often have to ask you to repeat yourself, only to throw my hands up and admit I have no idea what you are so adamant about. You have the tone right, but the pronunciation stumps even your sister.

You love to play pretend. Almost daily you look at me and say “I be princess and you be knight. Ok?”
 Or, if I have my phone in my hand and you want to play with it, I’ll hear you say, “I be momma and you be Margaret Jane.” Then, without any pause you follow with, “Margaret Jane that is momma’s phone. Give it to me.”

The other night we had a thunderstorm. The thunder was almost as loud as your screams. When I went to console you, you were visibly shaking and your eyes were as big as saucers. It was so adorable I almost laughed. I lay down with you and you clung to my arm with desperation pleading for me to stay. It was as if you were listening with your eyes. They darted back and forth with each increasingly distant roll of thunder. You informed me, between vigorous pacifier sucks, that the storm did not go away yet. 

Every day you shed another layer of baby from your face. You are changing so fast. It makes me sad and surprised and excited for your future all at the same time. I notice it most in your eyes, wide and innocent (unless angry at me, you have mastered the scowl). 

You are almost potty trained. But you will remind me regularly that this too is a skill not yet mastered.  Believe me, I’m ready to check that box on the development milestone chart.

My happy girl, you are pure sunshine. I'm so lucky to have your golden smile in my life. I love you.

SUMMER!

So it has been a VERY busy spring for us and a not very warm one to boot. I mean it's memorial day weekend, hot and humid and we had the furnace running just two weeks ago. Now I"m listening to the downpour of summer rain. That late afternoon shower that you can feel coming on. The humidity keeps climbing until the air can't contain one more drop and just bursts into buckets that create joyful puddles.

Right now Caroline is getting her shoes on so she can go play in it while Maggie snoozes.

We still have two houses that we are maintaining, but luckily the end is in sight. Ironically enough it was 11 years ago this weekend that we closed on that first house. Hard to believe how much has changed since then.

I had a whole blog post somewhere already written about a bad bout of stomach flu that took us all out. You know, a post that documents how awful it is to have two young kids vomiting especially when you are hugging the porcelain bowl yourself. In the madness of our busy lives I probably deleted it.

Life seems really good right now (or I'm just feeling especially optimistic). The challenges we face are really minor when you think about how hard others have it or how hard it could be. But of course the feeling of gratitude often leads to anxiety, the stress of wanting to fiercely protecting our fragile balance.That balance that is really beyond control.

Enough with that train of thought...I wanted to check in, continue to post and document our daily lives.

I'll close with some pictures that we had taken for Bubby and Grandpa's 40th wedding anniversary.

Happy Summer!

I call this one, EMO teenager in training



This is my southern belle - I imagine her saying, "Oh goodness me"

Sisters

The whole crazy clan

Updates on the family

Um, hello March. I don’t know where the time has gone.  Ok, I do know. I just don’t want to admit how much time and energy I’ve been putting into work lately. It’s not like I’ve been working crazy hours, but because I took on a new role, my energy has been disparately focused there and not at home. Nothing is ever balanced…

I’ve been meaning to write more often, but the ideas swirling in my head get lost before I can pin them down with any structure.  Just yesterday I was looking at a video from a little over a year ago of Caroline and IT BLEW ME AWAY how little she seemed, her words still mispronounced and her face still carrying the cherub expressions of toddler-hood. How grown up she seems now despite still only being FOUR.  There are no more babies in my house. Don’t get me wrong, we are still knee deep in diapers and tantrums, but those are the growing pains of a Moo who desperately wants to be as independent and grown up as her sister. By the way Maggie, I get it. I lived my life the same way. I watch you mimic Caroline and recognize that admiration at its core. I hope I can convince you that your individuality is what makes you special, do you don’t hide that to be like your sister no matter how awesome she is.

And Caroline, the great thing is I also recognize the pride you have for Maggie. Every time you squeal “SHE DID IT MOM, Maggie DID IT!” I know.  I know how you want to teach her everything and I know you are so proud when she learns it. I too have an awesome younger sister who I’m proud of daily.

Life is as complicated, messy and expensive as ever, but I’m trying to focus on the important things. Most days I’m failing. However, I’m happy to say that the past two months have presented many dance party opportunities. We take full advantage. Jonathan has even purchased a supply of glow sticks so any given weeknight, our family room turns into a rave. We all show off our moves and experiment with new ones that are too funny, crazy, silly to share outside of our own four walls. 

Anyways, I hear the Moo upstairs fighting with Dad in the bath tube. It's a signal that it's time for a changing of the guard.  Also, I have every intention of keeping this blog up and contributing to it for a long time, so don’t give up on me despite my quarter long absences.