Wedding Anniversary - 8 years married, 15 together.

Not that kind of "Dear John" letter...

This week marks our 8th wedding anniversary, almost 15 years together. When I think back, we seem so young and naive. We really have grown up together. When we decided to get married, I felt we were crossing an invisible threshold into adulthood. How many thresholds have we now crossed? Each time making us more 'adult'. Luckily you (and hopefully I) haven't lost your juvenile sense of mischief. Although it does get harder to be ridiculous when you're trying to teach the kids to be responsible and smart.

I'll tell you what, I'm tired of being an adult sometimes. Can we go back to the irresponsible kids at OU. Do you remember when we had fans? When the biggest problem was paying for beer and what to do on a rainy afternoon?

Life is so complicated as an adult, always throwing tough shit our way. Even when it gets REALLY, REALLY BAD, I'm still proud of my younger self for picking so wisely. And proud of the foresight in the stubborn, younger you for not letting me go, even though I tried halfheartedly.

What I'm slowly learning is that the tough times don't preclude the beauty, especially that of our growing family. I understand better each day the analogy of a life being a tapestry woven together-without the threads of struggle, doubt, fear, anxiety and vulnerability so intertwined with joy, laughter, excitement and love we wouldn't have created this life, this deep, beautiful and sometimes painful life. 

The balance is hard. Prioritizing each other is something we are refocused on. Thank you for that. You bring so much laughter, levity, sensitivity and strength to me. Your spirit is the strongest thread of this family. When it weakens, we all do. I took that for granted. It really is what keeps us all burning bright and focused on the joyful moments in life.

Thank you for being patient with me (most of the time). I know I'm a very sensitive, passionate and emotional person trying to excel in a very logical, pragmatic world. It is big role to be the protector of a heart this big, and easily bruised.

I love you!

Caroline is 5!

Dear Caroline

Happy 5th Birthday my Sweet. You are so sensitive and so smart. The combination makes you seem so much older and grown up. I forget that sometimes, until you fall apart from all the grown up things you are carrying. And I admonish myself for not only letting you carry it, but also for not teaching the tools of how to put it all down. You're always teaching me how to be a better Mom.

It’s funny to me that five is such an important age for you. Leading up to your birthday you talked about how you think you’ll feel different when you wake up and are five, or how you’ll get to wear the big girl seat belt when you are five (not so much my petite girl). On your birthday, you kept asking “is it really real? Am I really five now?” And when everyone came over for our Christmas on New Years Day, you told each and every person that you are five now, for real.

You are so dramatic that Aunt Biscuit is insisting that I enroll you in dance or theater or something. You love to show off your moves. It seems that music speaks to your soul. This summer while playing in the sprinkler outside, you stopped in your tracks to focus on the small bluetooth speaker that played a pop ballad (probably Taylor Swift). You were having such a moment that I couldn’t break your attention to even get you to look at me. There was an invisible bubble that no one could burst, just you and the music as the world faded away. There is a deep well of passion in you that once focused will take you great places.

 Oh you are so sensitive, and full of empathy. You are often the first to give me a hug before I’ve even realized I needed one. When your sister gets hurt, I know it first by your scream, "Oh no Maggie!". But be careful little one, that empathy is a gift that you are generous with. Make sure to save some for yourself.

Another big milestone this year was when we confirmed our suspicion that you couldn’t see very well. With two parents that have never know the inside of an optometrist, it was eye-opening (pun intended). When I received your prescriptions, I immediately went to google to gauge the severity. Nearsighted, farsighted and astigmatisms were all concepts I never needed to comprehend until now. It turns out that those beautiful eyes of yours need some major lenses to even get you close to 20/30 vision. But on the bright side – a whole new world of fashion accessories has now be opened up for you (and consequently your sister too, as she demanded sunglasses to match).

Speaking of fashion, I love watching you pick out what you are going to wear every day. I stopped weighing in years ago, unless it was to keep you clothed and warm. At first it was all about the characters, Hello Kitty, Minnie Mouse, Elsa... But now it's about patterns, colors and combinations. Its all very bold and sometimes an overindulgence in patterns, but I love it. Its another outlet of your creativity.

Caroline, I love watching the blossom of new interests and the colors of your personality deepening and changing. I can't wait for more as we grow together.

I love you so much!